My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
