i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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