My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
