Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
