Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
