I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
