im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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