Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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