Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
