I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
