I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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