Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
