Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
