were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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