yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
