i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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