my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
