thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
