I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
