I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
