I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
