I looked at my own cervix.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
