I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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