he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
