what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
