I just pynch a tree in the face
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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