Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
