Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
