cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Alive.
So much puke
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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