I faked an abortion last night.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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