Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
