It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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