My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
