I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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