So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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