he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
