dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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