Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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