So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
