Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
