Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
