Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
