My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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