I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
grandma shit on top of the toilet
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
