someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
