New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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