Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
