im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I love having hate sex.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
