I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
