Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
