My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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