And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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