Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize