i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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