I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
