She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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