my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
