just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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