bring money and cleavage
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
