6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
