just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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