at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
