Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
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